Holding on.

Two weeks ago, when caring for one of our first pet sitting clients, James started feeling worse. Much worse. His legs were losing whatever strength he had in them, and they no longer felt right. Not quite numb, but not normal either.

Since I’m not here to show you the perfectness of my life-because it’s far from that-I’ve finally gathered up the energy that I need to get my thoughts out. Because that’s part of self-care, being a caregiver, and trying to be healthy: feeling the feelings, dealing with them, and then moving on.

This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever dealt with.

For two weeks, my husband has been unable to bear any weight on his legs whatsoever. That little bit of weight bearing was what he was depending on in order to get to the bathroom, to use the toilet or take a shower.

What do you do when your spouse is suddenly unable to take a shower or use the toilet? Well, for us, it’s being grateful that our shower chair up until now has been a bedside commode, that we can move to the bedside so that he can relieve himself. And then you start making phone calls to find a facility that has a truly accessible bathroom-with a shower, so that he can get clean.

Thankfully there is. It’s downtown, so it’s at least a 30 minute drive in no traffic. But, once or twice a week it’s there and we can get him cleaned off.

We’ve also ordered a solar shower, that we can hang up and let the sun heat up the water, so that he can shower at home.

But the falls. He falls almost every day now, and I’m not even 120 lbs, I certainly can’t be picking him up. If he can get his torso up on our bed, then I can lift his legs up and then he can lower himself to a chair or his wheelchair. But when he’s all the way on the floor, our California King waterbed is extremely high. It’s doable, but it’s not easy.

And now, I’m feeling helpless. And I’m losing hope. I’m scared. What if I can’t take care of him anymore? What if he has to go live in an assisted living facility? He’s only 33. This is really hard.

We’re going to make it though. I know we are. We’ve got a great group of people that are trying to help us through, an excellent support system. We do have a homemaker come in several times a week, and she has been so helpful through everything, which has lightened the load on my shoulders a bit.

If you’re a praying person, we’d appreciate your prayers. If you’re not a praying person, we’d appreciate your positive thoughts our way. Thank you šŸ™‚


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